If there is any citizen in the fictional town of Springfield that we feel sorry for, it’s the lovable senior-citizen Hans Moleman. His constant agony has provided hours of laughter and pure pity, something that is tricky to balance with a cast as big as The Simpsons has.
Hans Moleman is an enigma of a character. He dies in almost every episode he appears in, his own history is always difficult to follow and he manages to work several different jobs around town. It’s always a fun time when Moleman shows up, even if it’s at his expense. Here are ten of the worst things to happen to Hans Moleman.
He Was Turned Into a Mole
In the "Treehouse of Horror" segment "I've Grown a Costume on Your Face," a witch casts a spell on the citizens of Springfield. She makes it so that everyone turns into the costume they are wearing. This includes Marge turning into a skeleton and Bart turning into a werewolf. This, of course, causes a bunch of problems for everyone in Springfield.
The funniest gag comes when the audience sees what happens to Moleman. He is turned into a mole. Sad, he exclaims “I wasn’t even wearing a costume.” Even on a holiday, Moleman really can’t catch a break.
He Had His Head Drilled Into By Mr. Burns
Homer has a chance to ask Mr. Burns for money while he is under the influence of Diethyl ether. He lets his coworkers know to cease what they were doing and take advantage of Burns’ altered state. Moleman, working as a janitor for some reason, decides to ask for a new broom.
RELATED: The Simpsons: The 10 Worst Things That Mr. Burns Has Ever Done
Unfortunately, with Burns being in his altered state, Moleman is mistaken for a leprechaun. In an attempt to get ahold of some Lucky Charms, Burns drills into Moleman's head. Off-screen, a drill is heard with Moleman saying nothing but “oh no, my brains.’ Truly heartbreaking.
He Gets Killed By Fossil Fuel Representatives
At an energy convention, Moleman is seen at a booth advertising solar energy. A strange-looking man asks him if there are benefits to this alternative mode of energy. Moleman confirms and is promptly killed by this secret service-looking gentleman. The booth is then converted into one advocating fossil fuels.
What makes this sequence so funny is that it shows the range of jobs Moleman has been able to hold. In spite of him getting killed while working in each episode, he still gets these high profile gigs. Good for him.
He Gets Rejected By Selma Bouvier
“Selma’s Choice” is one of the many great episodes that center on Marge’s older sister, Selma. In this one, she feels her biological clock ticking, so she sets out to find a husband to have kids with. One of the dates she goes on is with none other than Hans Moleman.
After revoking his license due to him not being able to read, they go out for dinner. He puckers up for a kiss but Selma is not having it. She imagines herself and him raising a bunch of little Mole Babies, something she quickly realizes she doesn't want to do. He gets pushed out of the car in front of some random home, where he says to himself, “this isn’t my house.”
He Gets Buried Alive
In “Mother Simpson,” Homer discovers that his mother was never dead. After falling into a grave labeled for him, Mona (played by Glenn Close) gets him out and the two walk away. One of the gravediggers is seen upset at this, asking “is anyone here actually dead?”
Moleman emerges from one of the coffins to say “I didn’t want to cause a fuss now that you mention it” before being lowered down. Even with everything he goes through, he does not want to cause any trouble or inconvenience to anyone. How thoughtful of him.
He Gets Hit With A Football
Film is an excellent medium where many artists display their pain and agony up on a screen. Moleman flexes his cinematic chops by delivering a short film titled, Man Getting Hit by Football. It just shows Moleman waving to the camera before a football hits him in the groin.
A moving film that Homer deems worthy of a cash prize, it was remade with George C. Scott, though not with the same effect. There’s just something so moving and haunting about the original short film in question. It can’t be replicated.
He Gets Eaten By Alligators
In the Treehouse of Horror segment “The Ned Zone,” Ned Flanders is granted the ability to foresee people’s deaths. He rescues Moleman, who is dangling from a phone wire after a few bullies threw him up there. Ned saves him but sees a vision of the old man getting eaten by Alligators. Out of shock, he drops him into a manhole where the vision comes to fruition.
Moleman’s reaction is priceless, as he looks to the gators swimming around him and has nothing to say but “another setback.” Poor Moleman.
He Gets Executed
In one of the darkest things to ever happen to Moleman, he is on death row. Reverend Lovejoy is there to console him while Homer eats his last meal. Distraught, he tells the Reverend who only offers “if this is the worst thing that happens to you today, consider yourself lucky.”
Two officers show up to take him to his execution, where Moleman asks if they are allowed to execute people at a local prison. Knowing Moleman, he got there thanks to some otherworldly events out of his control.
He Realizes No One Will Love Him
This one is just depressing. In the episode “Future-Drama” Bart and Lisa are walking home and bickering to each other, referring to the most unattractive people they could as each others’ love interest. This includes Comic Book Guy as Lisa’s boyfriend and the Crazy Cat Lady as Bart’s girlfriend.
The two then argue about who loves Moleman, claiming the other is “gay for Moleman.” The camera cuts to Moleman alone on a bench, looking down and saying to himself, “No one’s gay for Moleman.” Well, at least he slept with Metallica’s Lars Ulrich’s grandmother.
He Gets Reconditioned To Think He’s Bart
In the season five episode “Burns' Heir,” Bart is enamored with living like Mr. Burns. Burns sees an opportunity to mold the boy in his image so he keeps him. Homer and Marge, worried for their son, hire a private investigator who specializes in deprogramming people. After two weeks of reconditioning who he believes to be Bart, it’s revealed to be none other than Moleman.
Homer grows to love him, even as the episode ends with Bart back home with his family. Homer introduces Moleman as Bart’s new brother and claims that kissing him is like kissing a peanut. Who doesn’t love a happy ending?