Ryan Murphy is the reigning King of Camp. He's bestowed a wealth of deliciously over-the-top TV on his loyal subjects, most notably Scream Queens, his slasher parody series, only lasted two seasons. Though it was short-lived, Scream Queens was embraced by fans as a frothy bloodbath full of memorable, outrageous characters.
The show follows the lives of noxious, vapid sorority girls who find themselves targets of a masked serial killer. They narrowly escape with their frivolous lives, but karma's even crueler than they are. When the girls become med students, they encounter yet another costumed man looking to carve them up like a Thanksgiving turkey.
Can't young hotties carry out their studies without being sliced and diced? The characters of Harry Potter can relate. Every school year has Harry narrowly escaping with his life. If the Chanels and co. showed up at Hogwarts, would they survive? Or perhaps the better question is, would Hogwarts survive them? The Sorting Hat might have something to say about that. Here is Scream Queens Characters Sorted Into Their Hogwarts Houses.
Chanel Oberlin - Slytherin
Chanel Oberlin effortlessly accomplishes the Slytherin hat trick—she's rich, beautiful, and popular. If her bespoke, designer threads or gaggle of followers didn't give it away, don't worry; Chanel will happily remind you of her 1% status. Seriously, what good is having all this privilege if you can't rub it in somebody else's face?
Just as Slytherins only accept pure-bloods, Chanel, President of Kappa Kappa Tau, only allows the affluent and attractive to pledge her sorority. That is, until Dean Munsch forces the Kappas to be inclusive to everyone. This enrages Chanel. But while she may be a self-proclaimed elitist, when it comes to bullying, Chanel believes in equal opportunity. She terrorizes pledges and sisters alike, making emotional mincemeat out of her victims. After all, isn't that the point of having an army of fellow Death Eaters—er, friends?
Chanel #3 - Ravenclaw
For a sorority sister who doesn't even go by her own name, Chanel #3 sure marches to the beat of her own drum. Ravenclaws don't much care about the opinions of others and unlike other Kappas, #3 doesn't spend much time clamoring for the approval of either Chanel or cute boys. She's too busy dreamily staring off into space, musing about death.
Ravenclaws may be ethereal, but they're also grounded and logical. When one of her friends is being a little too extra, they'll often find themselves met with a signature #3 eye roll. #3 claims she wears her earmuffs because an ex threatened to cut her ears off, but we know the truth—she wants to drown out the Chanels' annoying voices. #3's internal monologue is way more fascinating.
Chanel #5 - Hufflepuff
Chanel #5's primary function is that of Chanel's whipping girl. When Chanel isn't mercilessly berating her, she treats #5 as a personal servant, forcing her to do the grunt work at the hospital while the others go on dates. #5 isn't even asked to be a bridesmaid at Chanel's wedding; she's given the lowly task of being the dog ring bearer.
So why does #5 stick around for this abuse? Loyalty. Hufflepuffs are renowned by standing by their mates...even when they shouldn't. Also, leaving the Chanels would mean making her own decision, and #5 prefers following orders. Hufflepuffs are dependable foot soldiers, but they're rarely the ones leading the charge. #5's life would improve drastically as a Hogwarts student. Instead of being met with insults and scorn by the Kappas, she'd be greeted with cookies and hugs from the Hufflepuffs.
Hester Ulrich - Slytherin
Slytherins are always plotting something, while caring precious little about how their actions affect others. Hester Ulrich's schemes often end up with more casualties than the end of a Shakespeare tragedy, so we know she's in the right house. Like Voldemort waited years for his triumphant return, Hester is a master of the long con. Not just anyone can fake scoliosis and wear a neck brace for as long as Hester did.
Hester lacks the cool callousness of most Slytherins, but the house boasts some fiery sorts too. Just look at Bellatrix Lestrange. Should she have been a student at the C.U.R.E Medical Institute, she totally would have made off with Cathy Munsch's fortune and gone to Blood Island with a hot doctor.
Zayday Williams - Ravenclaw
Some Ravenclaws are just as driven as Slytherins, but they use their ambitions for good. Originally, Zayday, like most Ravenclaws, wouldn't a sorority if you paid her. But when she realizes she could infiltrate Kappa Kappa Tau from the inside and enact positive change, Zayday goes for it.
This doesn't turn out so well, on of half the Kappas being cut to ribbons by the Red Devil. But Zayday makes it out alive, using her Ravenclaw wit to do so. That's also what gets her into C.U.R.E, with tuition fully comped. Zayday manages to survive another deranged serial killer, and finds herself head of the hospital. And she didn't even need to kill anyone. Okay, maybe the Green Meanie took care of that for her.
Chad Radwell - Gryffindor
There's a fine line between Gryffindor bravery and foolhardiness. Chad Radwell often veers toward the latter. With the Red Devil picking off of your fraternity, one might be tempted to close the charter and, you know, run for their life. Chad takes a decidedly different approach. He takes the fraternity serial killer hunting, complete with matching outfits, baseball bats, and "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)". If that's not Gryffindor badass, what is?
Chad's biggest obsession is with himself, which is more of a Slytherin trait. But Chad's not a schemer; he just does what he wants, consequences be damned. Though in a relationship with Chanel throughout most of the series, Chad is a serial cheater. As he would tell you, he's too much of a studly Gryffindor lion not to roam.
Dean Cathy Munsch - Slytherin
Dean Cathy Munsch loves being in charge, almost as much as she loves punishing those who don't recognize her authority. She doesn't give a hoot about sororities or inclusivity, but still forces Kappa Kappa Tau to accept all pledges. This is solely to show Chanel who is top dog, or top Slytherin snake.
Slytherins make a lot of enemies, which doesn't bode well for those who are surrounded by serial killers. But Cathy has cunning survival skills on her side. She sets the Red Devil(s) up by making them think she's in the shower, only to turn the tables and attack them. As a Slytherin, Cathy always lands on her feet. Even after her money is stolen, she still finds a way to come out on top—which is where she likes it.
Denise Hemphill - Gryffindor
It takes the steely resolve of a Gryffindor to protect a pack of vacuous sorority girls from a serial killer. Most would consider the Red Devil to be doing the world a public service. But Denise Hemphill enjoys the adrenaline rush. She also possesses a Gryffindor stubborn streak, insisting that Zayday is the killer without a shred of evidence.
Denise has enthusiasm to burn, but she's not exactly a savvy detective. She easily gets distracted by her own Gryffindor impulses. These include trying on the Chanels' clothes and having an affair with Chad. Her attention span may not inspire confidence but fear not—if Gryffindor Denise hears you scream, she will come a-running.
Dr. Brock Holt - Slytherin
When it comes to Dr. Brock Holt getting what he wants, no price is too great. He's determined to be the top surgeon in his field, but his dream is threatened when he loses his hand to an angry garbage disposal. But fortune favors the determined; Brock gets a hand transplant and even though his new hand belonged to a serial killer and has a mind of its own, Brock doesn't mind. Anything for Slytherin glory.
A Slytherin's favorite drug is an ego boost, making Brock an addict. He enjoys reminding people he went to Harvard and beds the young, attractive Chanel even though he has little interest in her. Gryffindors do things because they want to; Slytherins do things because they can.
Grace Gardner - Gryffindor
Grace Gardner is brave enough to pledge Kappa Kappa Tau before there's a serial killer on the loose; sticking around after the bodies start to drop makes her a full-fledged Gryffindor. Not only that, but Grace repeatedly puts herself in harm's way as she investigates the Red Devil.
With her bubbly personality, Grace shows traits of a Hufflepuff but she lacks the house's blind loyalty. Ultimately, Grace wants to oust Chanel so Zayday can be Kappa President. Grace also exhibits flashes of Gryffindor volatility, like when she slapped Chanel across the face.
In retrospect, Grace may have wanted to leave the Kappas when she could, as she's later driven to insanity based on the traumatic events of the school year. But trying to convince a Gryffindor to change their mind is even harder than surviving a Red Devil attack.