While the 9th season of Happily Ever After? and many of the couples/personalities offering weekly commentary on Pillow Talk, their seasonal presence on the platform has evolved into recurring roles.
Although Pillow Talk enables contributors to comment on the awkwardness of 90 Day from a newly detached point of view, their jokes, jabs, and secondhand embarrassment come from a place of familiarity. The bizarre reality of betrothing someone in 90 days with few commonalities can spawn some cringe-inducing issions, which season 9 had no shortage of.
"My Perfect Woman...Will Love Me As My Mother"
Mohamed's Freudian Intent
As Mohamed left Egypt for a woman closer in age to his mother than himself, his intentions were definitively murky. Yvette Arellano, a holistic healer, student of tantra, and proudly fit 48-year-old single mother, stood in stark contrast to Mohamed's traditional Muslim beliefs, but his attraction was enough to follow her to the U.S. in a bid for love/sponsorship.
The end of his quote, "So, someone to prepare everything for you to make your life easier," defined his presence in New Mexico, with Mohamed showcasing general domestic ineptitude/expecting to be constantly catered to. Showing his hand during and after the show, it wasn't just a mature presence he was looking for; he wanted another woman to baby him like his mommy.
"He's Kinda Shy, He's Kinda Quiet, He's Not Enough Man."
Kris Sizes Up Guillermo
Despite an uneven power dynamic, Kara Bass and Guillermo Rojer had the healthiest relationship in season 9. While the validity of their love was never in doubt, Kara did make the questionable decision to introduce Guillermo to her ex-boyfriend, Kris, at her high school reunion. While there, Kara and Kris reminisced about her mother walking in on them having sex, Kara cheating on Kris with someone in massage school, and per Kris, "being up each other's a***s."
Dumping his heartbreak on Guillermo, Kris' warning over Kara's controlling nature was less out of concern and more to invoke fear. As the Soundcloud rapper brushed off good boy Guillermo by saying Kara needs a real man (while framing his body with his hands), Kris' words and aesthetic were as sad as they were corny.
"Between Being In The Car, Taking Care Of Avi, And Working On My Phone, It's Just Too Much."
Ari's Exhausting Obligations
Ari has long relied on her parents to keep her afloat. With the couple's African income reliant on Bini's dancing/gig work, their finances were rigid at best. Now that they've moved to New Jersey and Biniyam isn't working, the burden has switched from Shibre to, well, Shibre.
Finally faced with actual work, Ari's exhausting schedule includes driving Biniyam to MMA training, managing a social media , and watching baby Avi. For someone who was so judgmental over Biniyam's Renaissance work and minimal motivation, her eye-rolling complaints of overextension fell universally on deaf ears.
"Marriage Is A Business."
Bilal's Sweet Marital Nothings
While the couple has shifted their discourse to conception/child-rearing on Happily Ever After?, their main point of contention on 90 Day was prenuptial agreements. As Bilal is a successful realtor and was previously divorced, he understandably wanted to protect his assets should his latest marriage fall apart.
Bilal's approach was continually ill-considered, with his worst work manifesting in the form of him informing Shaeeda he had a prenup drafted while on a Ferris Wheel. Instead of weighing/conveying his concerns, Bilal siphoned all nuance from his intentions and minimized their relationship to a business transaction.
"The Man Is The Head Of The Family. You Belong To Him."
Temperature Grills Emily
Out for dinner with Kobe, Emily, and her immediate family, a newly introduced Temperature felt compelled to put not only Emily, but all American women, in their place. Irritated with the way Emily speaks to Kobe and positions herself as equal, Temperature opined on a marriage he was in no way involved in, warning Emily, "Don't expect things to be the way they used to be."
As Emily's father, David, joked that Temperature's archaic mindset was the reason he's still single, the tension was palpable. Scoffing over American women being controlling, the irony of Temperature demanding obedience solely based on his genitalia is far from lost.
"I Don't Like Why Women Over Here Feel Like They Doesn't Want To Be Controlled."
Mohamed Struggles With Equality
Mohamed's smothering of Yve's freedoms was methodical. Despite assuring her that he didn't need or want her to convert to an Islamic way of life, his condescension over her garb, friends, drinking, and ability to so much as talk to another man spoke otherwise.
It's not so unexpected that Mohammed would want to completely control the woman that bent over backwards for him, as he's very self-centered. What's baffling is that he doesn't understand why a woman (and mother) whose had the freedom to be herself her entire life wouldn't want a man half her age that she barely knows to completely strip her of her self-expression and free will.
"If I Have A Beer At 11, 12 In The Afternoon, What Does That Matter To Her?"
John Defends Day Drinking
While few things hit like an early morning, ice-cold beer on vacation, John McManus' a.m. imbibing wasn't an occasional indulgence. Blurred and slurred throughout most of his tenure, John wasted no time in introducing Pat's fiancée, Thais, to his brother from Boston. After burning one side of his breakfast steak, John attempted a pan-flip and majestically flipped the steak from his non-stick pan into his chest and onto the floor.
Thais' concern over John's drinking was consistent, as it was/is a genuine problem, but John's complete obliviousness to her judgment is as eye-rolling as it is ignorant. If the man can't do something as simple as work a pan under the influence, his drinking habits are only going to manifest worse, more dangerous results.
"F**k All Of This, I'm Gonna Get Married To The Damn Music And The Art."
Jibri Weighs His Priorities
Dealing with his parents' disapproval over his encroaching wedding and his fiancée Miona's stubbornness over the location, Jibri Bell's 90 Day journey was a tug-of-war between love, family, and creativity. Not only stressed over losing his parents' in lieu of his bride, Jibri was also concerned with Miona handcuffing his music career, as his relationship with her caused Bell to put his band, Black Serbs, on the back burner.
In a vibrant display of overdramatics, the denim cowboy comically warned Miona that he'd leave her for his career if she didn't budge on her wedding preferences. As they wed at her location with no guests, Bell's corny warning rang even more ridiculously hollow.
"I Can't Be Sharing Breasts With My Son."
Kobe's Curious Thirst
One of Kobe and Emily's biggest arguments centered on Emily's open breastfeeding. Not just irked over Emily still breastfeeding their 2-year-old son, Koban, Kobe was particularly perturbed with the fact that Emily did it around her family.
After making a scene and telling Emily to breastfeed in the basement, the true nature of Kobe's criticism came out in his testimonial. It wasn't that he fully opposed the feeding, he wanted Emily for himself, which is as weird as it is selfish.
"I was Drinking A Lot And I Was Kind Of Floppy. So, Nothing Happened."
Pat "Minimizes" His Cheating
After reaching his breaking point over being chided about sharing his location with Thais, Patrick decided to buy Thais a new iPhone with the caveat that he'd no longer be sharing his location with her.
While viewers knew that Thais demanded his location after finding out Pat cheated on her, they weren't aware of what actually happened. Cringing himself through the retelling, Pat informed viewers that flaccidity curtailed his actions, insinuating only partial infidelity. Painful for Patrick, Thais, and viewers alike, Pat's story and feigned responsibility was the most cringe-inducing moment of the season.